Convent of the Sacred Beast

Review by Citizen and Liz

We don't do movie reviews here. Either of us, as this is a joint post by Citizen from Mind Monkey! and Liz from Non-Exhibitionist. We're making an exception today because ... well, just because. You'll see.

Here in Austin, we have this wonderful theater chain called the Alamo Drafthouse. What could be better in life than beer and good food with your movie? While most of the locations show typical first-run films, the original Alamo Downtown tends to show a lot of really strange shit. Last night's midnight movie being a case in point.

School of the Holy Beast is a nunsploitation movie that features weird Japanese nuns. It's also all about repressed lesbianism ... after all, aren't all nuns lesbians? They only have each other and God, so it just seems natural that their vows are the only thing keeping them from ripping each other's bodices off. (We're so going to hell.) The basic plot involves a young woman named Maya who goes to a convent in search of answers about her mother's death. In the midst of a surpisingly involved plot, we are treated to copious scenes of self-torture and whipping, which serve primarily as a vehicle for showing the nice breasts and nubile bodies hiding under the nuns' habits. An exceptionally stunning scene involves Maya being wound in rose thorns and beaten with handfuls of long-stemmed red roses. The scene is very visually decadent, with half-nude Maya writhing and rose petals showering over her. (I swear, if I had any inclinations towards S&M, I would be all about the roses. -L)

Hey, we never claimed we were going to do a good movie review. Nuns, lesbian sex, hot asian women, flaggelation, rape, and wacky humor (not all of it intentional) - what else do you need to know?

Before older films, Alamo generally shows previews from the same era and genre in addition to advertising their own events. High quality previews before The School of the Holy Beast included:

Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster (1965). Do we really need to say more?

Susperia (1977). "The only thing more terrifying than the last 12 minutes of this film are the first 92." Um, right. Throughout the trailer, the title, shown in twitching/pulsating/beating fleshy letters, repeatedly flashed on the screen, accompanied by an ominous voice-over.

The Touch of Satan (1974). Witches!

And, best of all, Caged Virgins (1971). Vampires and virgins! This film looked like an excuse to show lots of sex, never mind the virgin part. The absolute best part of the trailer involved a rubber bat performing cunnilingus on one of the virginal girls.

We've concluded that the easiest way to tell if a preview is for a really horrible movie is when the title is repeated ad nauseum in a very dramatic tone. You know, if the preview itself left you in any doubt. All of the above (with the exception of the first) were guilty of this. We look forward to seeing them all.

Back to Convent of the Sacred Beast entry

Recommendation: Nunsploitation.net suggests that fans of this genre try the movie Wet and Rope.

Click here to buy School of the Holy Beast!