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Convent of the Sacred Beast

Review by Vince Brusio

A Japanese woman slapped down like a dog is something I would stop and watch unfold on the highway. Fuck the traffic behind me. I'm out of that car with a camera in one hand, my dick in the other, two feet on the ground, and a big smile on my face. The poor Mama-San could look at me with puppy dog eyes and plead for assistance, and I'd simply laugh behind the lens of my Nokia, my head arched in laughter, like a villain who's just pissed on Goldilocks. Then I'd snap off a picture, and say, "Hey! Mama-san! Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto!"

Now, why would Nunsploitation.Net let a pervert like me review a film like School of the Holy Beast? Surely I'd miss the redeeming social values in this Sundance Film Festival favorite. But, maybe this film was different. Maybe it could change me. Maybe it would correct the soul of this broken, worn-out, living hand-to-mouth writer who knocks over trash cans for a meal on his Sunday sabbath.

Or maybe they just dropped the ball. Again. Hah! The fools! And now, on with the madness!

The Plot:
Maya Takigawa takes religious vows to find out what terrible things befell her mother inside the Sacred Heart Convent.

The Actors/Actresses (worth mentioning):
Yumi Takigawa, Emiko Yamauchi, Fumio Watanabe

The Dirt:
A Kleenex box worth of frontal nudity. Morphine-laced, slow-moving camerawork that emphasizes torture and malice. Gratifying idol and cross blasphemy for those who think that nuns are full of shit, and need to be cornholed.

By the end of this ordeal, I wanted to gang rape all nuns in this picture while I made them watch The Exorcist. Each and every one of them. Shallow whores in shawls that skitter about like pious pilgrims that only wish to serve God? Mercy is their credo? When the bad girl need a whipping, they change into wolves that fight over rib bones! Beasts! Each and every one of them.

St. Clore Abbey is a crusty outhouse that's masked as a serene temple of God. It is only for brides acceptable to the Lord; and only for those who "long for eternal virginity." The opening scene in the church where a nude Maya Takigawa's ceremony introduces her to the sisterhood made me think of Mr. Han's karate school in the flick Enter the Dragon. Here is a legion of the faithful. Warriors at heart. Hep-ho-hep-ho! They live only for the cause. Hep-ho-hep-ho! They live only for the rules. Hep-ho-hep-ho! And here's one of the faithful slurping on her sister's tit in the courtyard! Whores! All whores!

Adultery, murder, and theft are among the big no-no's that make up the 73 chapters of discipline you adopt when you wear the black robe at St. Clore Abbey. And the bed bugs won't get a chance to bite you should you violate a rule, and become a transgressor. Self-flagellation in the moonlight replaces your peaceful bed rest. It keeps all fellow sisters awake, and that includes Maya Takigawa, who stares transfixed at the bare breasted nun that whips herself in front the crucifix. Yes, Maya, God wants her nude before him. Of course he does, because how else can we see her tits?

However, you will not get an E-Z Pass to see such titillating torture without some suffering on your part, fellow film fan. There's a price to pay for full frontal nudity that's dressed in the Lord's wardrobe. Yes, Daniel-san, you must be subject to the politics of girl school rivalries! You sick fucks must choose a side to support in School of the Holy Beast: root for either the Choir Nuns, or the Assistant Nuns. The two sides don't mix, and neither clique wants to give up the lion's share of the carcass.

Details? More details, you say? Characterization plays a big role in this film, as one Jap chick comes off as the Mamie Van Doren of the group. Whiskey is her holy water. She's the bad girl with the attitude Mother Superior deems infectious. And she and Maya have a sort of sister/sister bonding. Innuendo also helps to heighten the titillation of the flick, as when two nuns fornicate in the garden, a soft pink tongue that caresses the canyon between a sister's spread fingers implies cunnilingus that would make any bitch soak her underpants.

Father Kakinuma ultimately plays the pivotal role in the film, as he's the catalyst for Maya's dilemma, and a sick bastard whose bad suntan from Nagasaki makes him the perfect excuse for psychosis run amok in a building full of women. Yes, these sexually frustrated fox tails deserved to be raped by Kakinuma! Steal money from St. Clore Abbey to pay for your father's medical expenses? God forgives you ÷ but not Father Kakinuma!

Father K's dick seems to get him a lot of trouble, and this is what really helps kick the movie into overdrive. The guy is ugly as hell, but he still manages to get an abundance of pussy! This guy would be Bill Clinton in Asia. No regrets on his part. They're all whores anyway! Indifference on his part gives us a condom's load of beatings, tit shots, suicide, idol desecration (urinating on Jesus!), and·oh, yeah, violence against nuns on Christmas Day! God loves you, bitch! Ka-rack!

This movie fucking rocks. Not a lot of quality soft porn in this one, but if you're a sadist at heart, this movie supplies both the whip and the whipping post.

Vince Brusio is a publisher of underground comics. Visit him on the web at undergroundstore.50megs.com

This review is Copyright (C) 2005 Vince Brusio. Used with permission.

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Recommendation: Nunsploitation.net suggests that fans of this genre try the movie Wet and Rope.

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