Images in a Convent

Review by Vince Brusio

Although this flick can be tagged as an exploitation film, it's got one thing I haven't seen in most other films of this nature.

IT'S GOT PORN!

The Plot:
Satan infiltrates the Santa Floria convent via the presence of an ominous statue and the arrival of a young man whose natural good looks help him get pussy.

The Actors (worth mentioning):
Paola Senatore -- DAMN! what a body.

The Dirt:
Grade-A blasphemy that makes the saints cry like schoolgirls. One nun is forced to blow some peasant dirtbag. Ample doses of carpet munching. Drum roll: we have penetration shots! Plus, the wood penis dildo scene would give the Pope a stiff one!

Joe D'Amato is a versatile filmmaker, but the truth is that he's mostly known for his horror films. Period. End of argument. But what you vile fuckers will like to know is that Images of a Convent is the buried treasure between Father Guido's mattress and box spring.

Contessina Isabella (Paola Senatore) is a stuck-up cunt who is hustled off to the Santa Floria convent so that her uncle, Don Ascanio, doesn't use her as a floor mat. Isabella's father asks this favor of the local church big wig before he croaks, and his Eminence promises him that Isabella will be harbored by his harem, er, convent so that no harm befalls her pretty little head.

But Isabella is an ungrateful twat who could care less about what the old man wanted, and she makes her stay at the cathouse, er, convent as difficult as possible for Mother Superior. The good dear Mother tires quickly of Isabella's shit, and says she doesn't believe Isabella should reside at the dungeon, er, convent because "it would mean to sacrifice your pride."

Pride is a sin, as we see in the next scene where a chained nun is whipped by a fellow sister that relishes her task like the master of a foot slave. Pride does not allow for your fellow co-worker in penance to beat you with the head of a mop, then lick the blood off your back like a dog drinks from a water bowl. Pride does not allow the pious cunt with a mop to drop to her knees to eat the pussy of her sinful sister. Therefore, if you cannot abandon your pride at the altar, you can't put your feet up in this popsicle stand. All nuns here like to eat pussy, so if you can't let go of your pride, get ready to be a door mat for Don Ascanio!

Lesbo action in this film is like the body count in Kill Bill. "Clam shot bake sale" is the best way to describe the sub-plots, and even the most discerning nun fetishist will want to unzip his fly after all of the pudding that's probed in this muff frat house.

Sacrilegious homosexuality between the sisters of the cloth was bound to happen because (hey! big surprise!) the convent was built on top of pagan ruins. Satan got pissed off, so he eminates evil vibes from a statue in the courtyard, and this makes the nuns frolic like rabbits, and witness surreal trippy images inside the house of God.

Guido Bencio comes along to kick over the stew pot of psychosis that already has most of the nuns scared, and an exorcist en route to put a stop to the lesbian sleepover. Guido Bencio seems to be yet another extension of Satan's Almighty Penis. Guido is hot. Uh! Guido get pussy. Uh! Guido not care which pussy he gets so long it smell like tuna fish. Uh! His involvement in Isabella's plan to escape the convent is, at best, a distraction. But outside of how funny it is to see how much the careless bastard loves himself, Guido matters as much in this movie as any actor in a porn flick. Frankly, Guido, nobody gives a fuck about you. Now move your ass out of the way so I can see the cans on that bimbo!

Exorcism is the only antidote for the lustful carnage at Santa Floria convent. Enter some smug fucking priest that thinks he's Jesus on a Harley. "Hey! What the fuck's going on in here? I'm Jesus on a Harley! Bitch, you better recognize!" But this Captain Ahab with a collar is no match for Satan's servants, and he falls under a wave of sisters who are more interested in his dick than whatever scriptures he can use to dispel the Dark One. Damn, what a way to go. Suffocated by tuna. Sorry, Charlie.

The flick comes to a close with Isabella stabbing Guido. It was the best performance he gave in the whole movie. Wait. Wasn't he supposed to help Isabella escape? Why would Isabella kill the porn stand-in that was supposed be her joyride out of servitude?

Hey, who cares! What about all those nuns that showed their pussy! Yee-ha!

Guys, who gives a shit that the ending leaves you as clueless as a blonde at a science exhibit. Images of a Convent shows a nun blowing some guy who hasn't bathed in a week! The women in this movie are FUCKING HOT! And I've never seen more nuns eat each other since Satan showed me his bedroom! Or was that the time I visited Jerry Fallwell?

Guys, short of XXX porn, this is as close as it gets to the real thing. See this fucking movie now!

Vince Brusio is a publisher of underground comics. Visit him on the web at MakeYourDisc.Com

This review is Copyright (C) 2005 Vince Brusio. Used with permission.

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